Being Intentional Is More Than Just an Expression
Don't fall into these bad habits that lead to self-sabotage.
What is being intentional? It’s a phrase I’ve seen thrown around a lot in self-help forums and in a lot of memes. I’ve seen several definitions. What I’m about to share with you is my definition, which is a Frankenstein’s monster of so many others. It resonates with me.
When someone says they live intentionally, it usually means that they build their life around a specific set of beliefs and values. They want to love up to their greatest potential set within those beliefs and values.
When it comes to aspirations and dreams, being intentional means that a person makes deliberate choices that will lead them to accomplishing their goals and making their dreams come true.
In my opinion, it’s part of manifesting, to be honest. First you imagine it, then you speak it or write it, then you do it. However, to get to the “doing” portion, you need to be intentional about your life and actions.
If you want to live intentionally, you need to be very clear about your dreams - what you see for your future. Then, you need to outline any goals to handle to accomplish those dreams. Focus on activities and behavior that will help you accomplish those goals.
Make sense?
Knowing this, there are things that impede living intentionally. Often, these bad habits go overlooked. I want to pull some from my experience to discuss with everyone. Because I do not believe I’m alone in juggling these bad habits.
People Pleasing
It’s so difficult to say, “No.” Especially if you are or were a people-pleaser.
For me, it comes from years of being trained that refusing to do something is disrespectful. I was also taught through experience that if I refused to do something for family, there was gossip about me. You can sometimes find yourself excluded from future events by saying, “No.”
I wanted to be part of the group…part of the family. So, I’d people-please. This carried over into friendships. Then, when I tried to say, “No,” everyone felt entitled to my services. It didn’t go over well.
So, in my professional life, it’s easy to forget myself and fall back into people-pleasing. I want to be part of something, so I sometimes hear the little voice of the younger me in the back of my head saying, “You need to do this or they won’t let you be part of anything!”
That’s not always true. What I’ve found in my professional life and among the writers and creatives I’ve surrounded myself with, is the opposite. They often come from a place of not only understanding, but empathy. They’re struggling with a similar voice.
Don’t be afraid to say, “No.” If someone gets upset by that, let them. Sometimes these moments tell you who people truly are. That’s a good thing.
Overwhelming Yourself
If you overcome people-pleasing, the next step is to take stock of how much time you have in your schedule. If you really want to help, but you aren’t sure about how much time you have available, don’t volunteer.
One thing HB90 by Sarra Cannon taught me was actual time management. I now understand how much time I have available for tasks for a month and a quarter.
In the past, I would believe I had time for things, but I put myself under a lot of stress in the end. Why? Because I really did not know how much time was available beyond my normal day-to-day tasks.
Before you volunteer, figure out if you can handle the task without stressing yourself out. Check to be sure you have the time to set aside for the project or the event…whatever you want to be part of.
If it’s a project or a workshop, I make sure I have the time to make the outline, create the workbook or worksheet, and make a video. Then, I also make sure I’m available for the presentation and the requests and questions afterward. There’s a lot more to each project than just showing up.
Though it’s easier to just make an appearance, the same suggestions apply. If you know you don’t enjoy appearing with other people or you’re not sure of being available for something, just let the planner know.
It’s better to let people know you need to time to be sure of your availability than to agree to something and then back out.
“I’d love to be part of X, but I know I’m really busy this month. Let me check to see if I have the time.” Reasonable people accept this. Just follow up. You don’t want to keep them waiting for long.
Over promising, then under delivering.
The actual phrase I’ve heard coined a lot lately is, “Under promise, then over deliver.” I wanted to turn it around for this situation.
It’s fine to cancel now and again, when something comes up out of the ordinary. It’s fine to have a bad day now and again, so you just have to reschedule. However, this can easily become a habit. When you over promise and under deliver repeatedly, people expect it of you.
This is when you find you don’t get invited to be part of events anymore. Other professionals no longer include you - and it’s not personal. It’s professional and understandable. Your bad habit can harm your professional connections.
You can have the best of intentions, but if you promise the moon and you show up with some swiss cheese - or worse, don’t even show up - that can cause problems for the organizer of the project or event. Or if it’s an individual, it can cause problems for them as well.
Had you not volunteered, they could have given the time to someone else. So not only does the event organizer lose out, but someone else does.
If you don’t have time for a specific event, ask when you can do something else. Volunteer when you know you have more time. That way you deliver, or possibly even over-deliver.
This doesn’t just apply to other people. This applies to YOU.
Disappointing yourself.
Apply this advice to your relationship with yourself. The more you flounder in your aspirations, the more you become negative about everything surrounding your goals. Your goals should be the ladder you use to get to your dreams! It should not be something to fear!
If you find that the only reason you're doing something is because you want to please that inner need to not miss out on something, stop. That inner people pleaser wants you to not miss out. But if you over-extend yourself and over-stress yourself, you’re still going to miss out and disappoint yourself.
STOP. THIS. CYCLE.
You know your own mind, body, and soul better than anyone else on earth. So stop ignoring it. Figure out if you have time to do all-the-things before you get excited about doing all-the-things. Balance work, your necessary tasks, and fun.
How many of you over-plan and then what gets lopped off of your list of things to do? The fun? Don’t do that. Make sure you have enough time for everything your creative mind needs before promising yourself anything.
If you must postpone something fun because something very important needs to happen, so be it. However, don’t do this more than once. Learn from the mistake, and next time you’re planning your time, don’t schedule so much in the other two columns. That way, you get to have your fun.
Becoming too distracted
I feel like this is the perfect place for me to mention that everything should be balanced. All things in moderation, right? So, too much fun is a bad habit, too.
We all can become distracted. We do it all the time, especially in the age of carrying around mini-computers everywhere we go. That’s why being intentional in your goals is so important.
Sure, you need some fun to help your creative mind. You need to “refill the well” sometimes. But how often do we allow those things to become a distraction from what’s important? More than you want to admit, I bet.
Self-care is important.
Never allow yourself to burn-out. But that’s why being intentional with your goals is so damned important! It’s so tempting to just give up on your tasks for a day when that new video game DLC hits the market. It’s so much more fun to chill out and binge some shows than to work!
But that work is important, too. Remember your dreams? Will defeating the next level in a video game help you achieve those dreams? Will the next season of this Netflix series get you any closer to your aspirations? I mean… sure… sometimes it can be excellent research and inspire you, but remember not to choose this over your goals too often.
If you want to succeed, be intentional.
Learn your lessons about people pleasing, about time management, about setting expectations with other people as well as yourself. Don’t allow yourself to become so distracted that you get off track.
Like any habit, these probably took a long time to etch themselves into your psyche, and will take time to change. But make an effort to change them!
Stop setting yourself up for failure because you’re too stubborn to realize you are the one responsible for YOU. Control your time. Set realistic expectations with your family, friends, colleagues, and yourself. Allow yourself fun, but don’t let it distract you. Balance it all!
This may take time, but you’ll eventually get it. Don’t give up.
In the end, being intentional and breaking these bad habits will help you get to your dreams.
Did this article touch on some of your bad habits? Are you sabotaging your promise to yourself to be intentional? Let me know what’s up in the comments. And if you have any advice to add, please do so!
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