I Was Never One of the Cool Kids
Why I don't believe in exclusivity...
In highschool, I was never part of any one particular clique of friends. I kind of floated between several. Now, I’m not sure everyone has the strength for that, but if you do, I recommend it. Why?
Well, because I didn’t hang with only one group, I got to see perspectives I never would have otherwise. I got to see how different the families could be in our small town. I got to see traditions from several cultures and got to enjoy friendship enough with people that it kept me from being bullied as badly as I might have otherwise.
No one really wants to mess with the nice girl who has friends all over the place. Well, for the most part, anyway. Some bullies sneak up on you.
As I got into business and college, doing this had a whole other layer added to it. I risked being on the outside, looking in. Yes. But I didn’t want to limit myself to learning from just one person or one group of people. I networked with people from other departments. I showed respect and helped where I could, when I could. I didn’t show more focus to one group over another.
When I’m writing below about a “group of people” or “group,” I am referring to professional groups. These can be mastermind groups, writing groups, author groups, professional persons groups, workplace groups, etc…
I’ll be speaking on my own experiences, the experiences of people I’ve gotten responses from, and things I’ve witnessed. This is advice you can take or ignore.
Limiting Access to Expertise
If you remain with one group of people, you could miss out on the expertise and outlook other groups might provide. Am I telling you to become part of every work group you have access to? No, that’s too much. But, don’t close yourself off to the possibilities of more than one.
Even in the workplace, I tried to be part of at least two groups. There was always a group formed of people from the same department who could empathize with one another over their experiences. However, I also tried to become part of groups that worked in other departments I was interested in. It not only showed my interest, but also helped me gain insight into their workflows and my own obstacles.
Learning from other departments helped me better understand how my job was important as a support position. To make a parallel in the indie authoring world, I could remain with a specific author group and only get advice from them, but I’ve learned so much more from expanding to other authors. I’m part of two writers’ groups, and Authortube welcomed me as well. I’ve made friends who have nothing to do with any of the above.
Some taught me planning and organization. Others taught me about sprinting and authortube. Still others taught me about crowd funding, about social media presence, and about specialty printing and direct sales. Some taught me about traditional publishing, while others taught me about journalistic and blogging endeavors. I never would have learned all of this had I remained in one group. Nor would I have as many friends or author-peers.
Cliquish Behavior is Part of Human Nature
Another thing that being exclusive to one group often begets is a form of cliquish behavior that can lead to bullying. It’s a drive for survival to huddle up, but sometimes that can be toxic or people might wind up pushing everyone out except their pals.
The flip side of that is this idea that you may miss out on connection with others in a specific group. Some groups have rules that keep things formal while other work groups (and writers’ groups) are more casual. Depending on the person you are, you may find comfort in one over the other.
Being part of more than one group means you might build business relationships in one while building closer relationships in another. Who knows what might happen if you open yourself to it?
My caution is that you don’t take things personally and if one group makes you feel negatively, look into others. If you’ve already looked into other groups, perhaps you’ll see that the problem you’ve experienced was with one groupor one group of people within the group. Perhaps you’ll see a pattern that is your own which needs conquering by comparing your experiences in different groups. Either way, being part of different groups can help you solve a problem.
Not What You Believe
You might think of people or individuals in a group as friends and not business associates. They can be both, yes. However, everyone needs to be on the same page to have a friendship. Not everyone is your friend, and that’s okay. There doesn’t have to be a bad-guy in every group. Sometimes, people just don’t work well together because of their personalities and quirks.
Being part of more than one group can ground you in reality and keep you from opening up too much with someone you should not do so with.
Where writers are concerned, sometimes you can confuse a group who supports you for your audience. They are not the same thing. Just because some writers may also read the same genre doesn’t mean they have the money or time to help you. Support comes in many forms. Don’t overlook support just because it’s not what you expect.
However, don’t ignore obvious non-support.
If you limit yourself to one group of people, often you limit that support as well. Continuing to expect support where it doesn’t turn out may be a symptom of being in the wrong group or leaning too much on only one group. Don’t continue holding a flawed perception of a group. That can lead down a very toxic road. Look around. Maybe you should take my advice and not be completely exclusive.
There is a limit!
Don’t spread yourself too thin or become too much of a people pleaser. Those are traps you can easily fall into while making new friends among various groups or trying to network successfully. I see everyone as a potential friend or business associate. That doesn’t mean I’ll be liked by everyone or that I’ll agree with everyone.
I know I won’t be able to volunteer for everything with everyone. I know I won’t be able to help everyone every single time. So, I try to manage expectations. Helping where I can, I don’t volunteer for everything. I let folks know I appreciate them thinking of me, but I need time to myself and my family, too.
Also, if you try to please everyone, you’ll wind up disappointing yourself and breeding entitlement in some people. It’s just inevitable. So long as people don’t take your work for granted or begin expecting it, you’ve got a good balance. If they ever do, set those boundaries and expectations, or you’ll find yourself burning out.
And by the way, just because someone expects something from you, doesn’t mean they are bad people. It means you may have taught them you will always do things for them. They may have been told by someone else in the group that you are good for something they need. You simply need to be polite and reset expectations and show them a boundary.
Be Your Own Definition of a Cool Kid
Yeah, so don’t limit yourself to only one crowd. Look around and reach out. You never know who or what you might be overlooking by remaining exclusively with one group of people.
Be the athlete, be the brain, be the criminal, be the princess, be the basket case—but more importantly, be where you feel welcome.
Does that mean you have to be part of EVERYTHING?
NO! It just means, be part of more than one group - at school, in college, at work, in your clubs, in your writing groups… professional and hobby alike. Open your horizons. Learn from other people’s experience. See what’s out there when you stop limiting yourself too much.
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